Friday, April 23, 2010

Two Years, Two Little Girls

This week marked the two year anniversary of Miss E's diagnosis of type 1 diabetes, just a few weeks earlier Lil Miss C's one year anniversary of her type 1 diabetes diagnosis passed. This month I have felt the weight of D sitting on my shoulders, we don't do anything to "celebrate" the date of their fact, we don't even tell the girls when that date is upon us. That is why what happened the other night with Miss E was so upsetting to me.

It was just before bedtime and I was about to give the girls their Lantus. As I was getting ready to give Miss E her shot she looked at me with the saddest eyes, sat on the kitchen floor and began to cry. She started to tell me that she didn't want diabetes anymore, she wanted to be "regular" like her daddy and mommy. She said that she wanted to go back to the way she used to be when she was remember, she is only 4 years old and she is talking about her life before diabetes. It broke my heart, this wasn't the first time she has done this. Almost a year ago we had a similar conversation with her... I will save that story for another post. But it felt like I had stepped back in time and was reliving that awful night with her. She rarely complains about diabetes, which is why it caught me off guard that evening.

My husband and I make a strong effort to never speak badly about diabetes in front of her or her sister, we don't want them to feel ashamed, different, sick or broken...we try to lift them up, give the girls a positive image about themselves. I know that even with the efforts that we make, Miss E will still see the differences in herself from others. Like how she says she wants to be like me and her daddy, she knows we don't take insulin, we don't check our blood sugar... she does.

It took all of my strength not to break down and cry with her on that kitchen floor, all I could do was hold her, tell her how much I loved her and give her hugs. I saved my tears for after she was asleep. I asked her to always tell me what she was feeling and that mommy would be there for her. She then asked me if her diabetes would go away when she grew diabetes sucks!

So that night as I was sitting in Lil Miss C's rocking chair, waiting for her to drift off to sleep I realized that it was Miss E's 2 year anniversary with had almost passed and I hadn't even thought about it until I was sitting there reflecting on Miss E's conversation with me earlier. It amazes me how quickly time passes, in that same sentence I will dare to say that it has also been the longest two years of my life.

So...two years down, and many, many more to go...


  1. That just breaks my heart. So far Elise is very matter-of-fact about her diabetes, but I wonder if it will change as she gets older.

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this with both your girls... hugs to you!

  2. Oh, Connie. My heart breaks. I think I can only barely handle it because Avery handles it so well. Like Elise, she's very matter of fact and, I think, she feels a like it's a special thing about her. Not that she always likes it, though. I'm so sorry. (((hugs))) to you! I wish I could take away the pain and sadness of this disease - for all of us.

  3. Connie...ouch!!! I hate it when our kids realize that D is not going away EVER. One week into it, Joe (at 3 years of age) asked me when was it going to go away...tears flooded my I told him that just like his hair is brown, his eyes are brown, and that he is a boy...he has is a part of cannot be changed. UGH. LOVE YOU.

  4. Those moments are incredibly hard...

  5. Maybe you should celebrate their victory...they have come so far in the past year or two! Moments like that break my heart...but I think you are doing an awesome job of being honest with them and letting them know you are always there to hear how they feel. (((HUGS))) to you and your family!!

  6. Thank you all for the encouragement! I think you are right Meri, I should celebrate their victory :) They have definately come along way and have been so strong through it all, it is crazy to think of how much they have endured in such a short period of time.

  7. I agree with all the above comments, Connie. Someone told me I was courageous the other week and I felt like laughing. I can see why they said it but what choice do any of us have?? You are clearly doing an amazing job and the day will come when your beautiful girls are able to recognise that. It is so hard for parents of such young children, this bad fairy at the party, but they will one day deal with it themselves and how we make them feel about having it is a big deal. I stand here in awe of you. I'll be following your story closely from over here in the UK.

  8. Thanks for visiting my boys' blog...please don't be offended, but maybe your daughter needs to meet some older people with diabetes. I think d sucks, truly is just a cruel disease, it never ends...but I also know that my child will be okay. And I think he knows it too because he's able to see his daddy be fine with the endless work it takes to keep the big d in check. Have you done much with other families of children with d? Or could you find a teenager with d that would come and be a mothers' helper for a few hours every so often so that your older daughter sees d as 'normal' even if it is just her (and her sister's) normal?
    I appreciate you posting about this personal experience. It's hard. I cried today as Isaac laid on the floor telling me he wanted to go back to bed just an hour after waking because his blood sugar was soaring (he's fighting a virus) and the insulin wasn't working very fast. I absolutely feel powerless over d, but keep hanging on tightly to hope and am thankful for others like you sharing your families experiences with me.

  9. This is so sad breaks my heart. I know the day is coming when my little boy Ean will say the same thing. When he sees that his brothers and sister does not have diabetes like he does. Hugs :)

  10. Connie,
    my hearts cries with you. It is hard to reach those 'dates' without some emotion.
    As horrible as it is, you are moving forward with strength and courage you never knew you had. It is ok to break down on occasion, we all do it. It feels like we can only be so strong for so long. We cry, release all those emotions and become empowered again to keep taking step by step on this journey.
    Great Job! Thanks so much for sharing.

  11. Gosh, what a tough of many, I know. Our son says his T1 makes him stronger, because he has to do something so hard every day, and I have to agree with that. Some day our kids won't have to deal with T1 anymore, but they will always carry their strength with them. Thank you, Connie, for your note. I look forward to following your family's progress. - Mo

  12. Thank you all for your kind words, some days with D are better then others... but I love that I can come here to my blog, let out some of my feelings and find comfort and understanding from all of you.

    Muffinmoon...thank you for your kind words, I too have been told how strong and courageous I am and some days I don't believe it myself. But you are right, we just do it and rise up to meet our challenges head on. offense taken :) I try really hard to get my girls around other children and teens with d, we just attended a JDRF bowling event and my girls loved it. I hadn't thought about having a teen with d be a mother's helper for me but I LOVE that idea...thank you :)

    Crystall...(((HUGS))) to you too :)

    Alix & Mo...thank you for your encouragement, crying is something that I try not to do too often but once I have a good cry I almost always feel better :) It really does amaze me how much strength our little ones have, they are such blessings.

    Thank you all :)

  13. I love spin....I do it every morning!! It gives me the energy I need to get through a day of practices. Miss you!

  14. LC,

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving me that comment :) Glad to know that you are out there following our story! Spinning was AWESOME, I am hooked and need to join a gym so I can continue the fun :) I miss you and love you too...give the family hugs and kisses for me.

  15. For a long time Emma would say the saddest little things about diabetes. "Why did my blood get sick? I don't want to be a mommy with diabetes!"

    They were always out of the blue and they In pieces.

    Our insurance covers therapy so I took her to a play therapist for a few months. She didn't know much about diabetes, but Emma talked to her about her shots and how sometimes they bled and how she didn't like getting her blood sugar checked...The therapist said children are different than adults in that they don't have to rehash things - they say them once and then it is done. I think it was really beneficial for Emma. She hasn't said anything like that since then.

    Sorry I'm rambling so long...just something to think about if you need it.