Miss E was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes in April of 2008, she was just two years old and it was the most difficult time our family had ever been through. I can tell you that I felt I was tested in each and everyway possible, I remember grieving for my daughter in a way that was so intense and so painful it is difficult to put into words. I realize that alot of people hear that your child is diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and they think.."Hey, no big deal right? Just feed her right and make sure she is active and she'll be okay."
Unfortunately most people know very little if anything about type 1 diabetes...I sadly, was one of those people before my daughters diagnosis. One comment that still rings in my ear, "She will grow out of it some day, won't she?" Oh how I wish this were the truth, no, she won't grow out of it. She will have this for the rest of her life until there is a cure, that is a hard pill to swallow. I remember right after she was diagnosed, Lil Miss C was just six months old and I was still up with her every few hours and up all hours of the night...this worked out great for me because I felt like I could monitor Miss E in the evening hours and feel comfortable that she was safe. I had been looking forward to the day when Lil Miss C would finally sleep through the night and I could finally get some real sleep, the problem with this was that when that time came...I couldn't sleep through the night because I needed to check Miss E at 3:00 am every night! And even on those rare nights when her blood sugars had been great, I couldn't sleep anyways because I was terrified of what might happen to my daughter if I didn't check in on her!
About the only peace I had was when I would lay Lil Miss C down to sleep at night, I remember putting her in her crib, kissing her cheek and saying "night, night baby girl. Mommy loves you." Turning off her light and knowing that at least I didn't have to worry about her tonight.
Those comforting thoughts were short lived because 11 months and two weeks after type 1 diabetes entered our lives, we were confronted with what I thought was the impossible...Lil Miss C was admitted to the hospital at 18 months old and diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, it was in April of 2009. Not even one year later!!! Curse you diabetes!!! To say that I was utterly and completely devestated is the understatement of the year, I was knocked off my feet, kicked in the gut, rip my heart out and stomp on the ground crushed! I was numb with sorrow...I can say that now, almost one year later because looking back on that time I realize that most of it was and is a complete blur. I still don't sleep much, I am still terrified everynight that I lay my head down on my pillow because my worst fear is that I will go into one of my babies rooms and find them unresponsive...or worse. Sometimes I feel that I am being overprotective, but I cannot imagine what would happen to me if the worst were to happen to them. I love my kids more than anything in the world and I will do everything in my power to protect them and keep them healthy, even at my own expense. My girls are very young, they will have alot of years ahead of them, that gives diabetes a good head start to wreak havoc on their tiny bodies.
Writing these words down is incredibly difficult for me, they are thoughts that are with me often, but I don't speak them. On the rare occasion that I voice my deepest fears to my closest loved ones, I become a puddle of tears and I cannot take the pain that comes with that. I want to be strong, but diabetes is a tough opponent, I will not be defeated no matter how hard the battle is...I will always rise up against this disease with the gloves laced up and my fighting face on.
My biggest challenge lately is accepting diabetes for what it is. I don't ever want my girls to feel like they are in a fight for their lives...I want to do it for them right now. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but complications from diabetes is one of the leading causes of death in the United States, it is serious. When they are older I hope to share with them the reality of this disease without putting the fear of God in them, but right now, I just want them to be kids.