Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The D-Grinch that stole Christmas

This years Christmas was hands down the best Christmas I've had in the last couple of years. To tell you the truth, our last two years of celebrating Christmas are a complete blur. I honestly don't think my heart was in it...it was too busy breaking...I was too busy being sad, angry, scared and confused. Christmas morning brought with it the bittersweet pain of seeing the joy in my girls faces, while I hid the pain that was hiding in their mom's heart.

I was in a state of grief, angry that we didn't put candy canes on our tree because I didn't want my kids to ask for one and me having to possibly tell them "no" because their blood sugar was too high, or maybe I was just too worried about how their numbers would react to a stick-o-sugar? I was sad that instead of running downstairs to tear into their gifts, I had them both sitting on the floor poking their tiny little fingers so I could get their blood sugar readings...only to find out that they were too low and we needed to eat breakfast first. We measured out food, let them eat, calculated carbs, gave each of them a shot and then, only then could we sit down and rip open presents.

My two precious babies, living everyday with this disease that disrupted everything. My pain was deep and dark, the sadness had consumed me and because of that sadness I missed so much. I sat there with my family, a smile plastered on my face, doing my best to "pretend" I was all there...but I wasn't. My mind would constantly drift back to that time when diabetes was a word we never used. Insulin was a mystery and carbs...who cared about carbs?!

I wish I could remember the presents, the laughter, the joy...thankfully I have the home movies to remind me that these moments did actually happen! I can look back on those videos and say "Oh yeah! I do remember that, I was sitting on the couch that day and maybe, just maybe, I did enjoy some of it...I am smiling in that picture after all."

I wasn't into the decorating, the music, buying presents or mailing out cards...I was in too much pain.


Something has changed in me this year, I can feel a shift in my heart, my soul and my mind. The fog of despair is lifting and my joy has returned. This Christmas was the first Christmas since diabetes entered our lives that I have been able to feel like I can actually celebrate and enjoy the holidays again.

This year I wanted to C-E-L-E-B-R-A-T-E!!! I wanted to listen to Christmas music every single day, I wanted to light up our house with so many lights you could see the glow a mile away! I wanted to color pictures of trees, Santa and Frosty with my girls all day long...make snow angels, stand in line for Santa and relish in every memory that was created with my family this year...and for the first time since D came crashing into our life, I did relish every moment.

This year was magical, as corny as that may sound, I was HAPPY, diabetes is still here, but, this year diabetes didn't ruin the party...or at least I should say, I didn't let diabetes ruin the party. It took me some time and a lot of soul searching, but it was worth the wait.

Diabetes still brings me to my knees from time to time, I've spent many nights crying myself to sleep, the grief doesn't ever fully go away but with time the intensity of that pain begins to fade a little...finally allowing some room for the joy to find it's way back into our hearts.


The girls had their candy cane this year :)


  1. My heart is tingling! I remember when I was in your exact place with the plastered smile (sometimes I still go there of course)

    I'm so uplifted to hear your Christmas happy feelings found their way back!! Bless your healing heart :) ((HUGS))

  2. This was our first Christmas since dx and I think it all went pretty well. I am trying to choose joy but sometimes it is a tough decision and one I have to force. Thanks for writing this blog, it gives me hope that the years to come will get a bit easier to face.

  3. Connie...Kelly's comment could have come rolling off of my fingers too. I have soooo been there. It took me a good year and a half to find "me" and to choose to see the "joy". Do I go back to the smile plastered on my face while I am hurting internally...yes, sometimes....but, not as often and not as intensely as it used to be.

    I am glad you had a great Christmas Connie! xoxo

    AND hell Yeah!!! on the Candy Cane...Joe doesn't like them though, but Bridget is psyched that they made their way back to our Christmas Tree!

  4. Bravo girlfriend! Choose the joy and see that every day is a blessing! Here's to a grand 2011!!!

  5. Glad to hear that joy has made it's way back into your life, and yay for candy canes!

  6. SO glad you had a great Christmas! Yeah, d can still bring me to my knees. More often than I'd like. But I choose joy - and I'm so happy you did too! And that the girls got their candy canes!


    This post made my day...hearing your happy heart, the memories you made, the JOY you have found.

    It took me several years. Too many.

    And I'm taking them back.

    Just think how awesome NEXT year will be!


  8. YEA! I am so happy that the joy is back. I think we have all been there - I know I have!

    This year was different for me too!! It was easier to 'choose joy'.

    And to answer you question . . . the key is a magical key for Santa. I believe it is really for those w/o a chimney but someone gave it to us so Emma (my oldest) left it hanging on the front door for Santa in case he had eaten too many cookies and couldn't fit down the chimney.


  9. Im so glad you find your Christmas again! I know Ive been there. Moments of celebration just arent what they used to be. So glad you found my blog and now Ive found yours!

  10. YEAH! Now it's time to ring in the new year with all that JOY!

  11. Oh Connie, this post gives me hope!

    This was our first Christmas with diabetes. And while it wasn't horrible....I feel like I missed Christmas. The joy....the....everything.

    I pray Christmas 2011 will be better.

    I'm so glad you had a good Christmas!!!

  12. Hi Connie! So glad to have found in in this fabulous community of D-moms.

    Thank you for sharing such a wonderful story related more to Christmas than to Diabetes. Our first holiday season with D in the house went alright, but I admit it was touched with a little somber 'woe is me'. I'm glad to read it can and will get better with time.

    Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and I look forward to reading about you and yours for years to come!