totally random

From the mouth of my adorable 3 year old, Lil Miss C...

Corn-a-ma-cob, corn-a-ma-cob!!! Yaaay! I loooooove corn-a-ma-cob!

Translation...

Corn on the cob, corn on the cob!!! Yaaay! I loooooove corn on the cob!

How cute is that?! I guess I'm easily amused!

I know, totally random but I just couldn't resist sharing :)

Hello, my name is Connie!

Where does the time go??? I feel like a stranger, reintroducing myself to the friends who gave me hope and a good dose of daily sanity and that comforting sense of "same". I promise, you have not been forgotten...my life took a turn towards the crazy train for awhile and I just felt like I couldn't keep my head above the water.

I know that most of the stress and the reoccurring sense of being completely overwhelmed were slightly self-induced. I'm really good at over analyzing, over stressing and just plain being a worry wart! Not a good place to be when you have two kiddos with type 1 diabetes depending on their mama to keep it together.

So......I took a break from my on-line daily stalking of my favorite blogs ;) I also took a break from my blog and spent the summer reading books that have been on my wish list forever, playing, resting and trying to keep my sanity in check :) No worries, I didn't take a break from diabetes...unfortunately diabetes doesn't go on vacation! But I just had to disconnect for awhile, I think my brain cells are thanking me but I feel so out of the loop it's ridiculous!

Some quick updates, Miss E is now officially a first grader! She is about 3 weeks into the school year and it wasn't a smooth transition. She really has struggled with adjusting to the demands of school again, I know she just needs time to get comfortable and back into the swing of things. In good time.

Lil Miss C is growing like a weed...I can hardly believe that she is almost 2 1/2 years into this diabetes life and she isn't even 4 yet! Blaaah! That bothers me something fierce. Oh man, what a crazy life this little one has lived in her short years, thousands of shots, thousands of finger pokes, highs, lows and everything in-between.

Good news on the pumping for Miss E...we have decided to put her on the Animas pump! She is still on shots right now, but we are in the process of getting the pump and all the training needed to make it happen. Very exciting and scary all at the same time. I will update you as we go along this new journey. Wish us luck and I hope that all has been well with my fellow diabetes on-line community! I will spend the next week trying to catch up on all the posts that have sat unread due to my mini vacation.

Take care my friends! Until next time :)

Before I Was a Mom...

Before I Was a Mom

I never tripped on toys

or forgot words to a lullaby.

I didn't worry whether or not

my plants were poisonous.

I never thought about immunizations

Before I was a Mom

I had never been puked on.

pooped on.

chewed on.

peed on.

I had complete control of my mind

and my thoughts.

I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom

I never held down a screaming child

so doctors could do tests.

Or give shots.

I never looked into teary eyes and cried.

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.

I never sat up late hours at night

watching a baby sleep.

Before I Was a Mom

I never held a sleeping baby just because

I didn't want to put her down.

I never felt my heart break into a million pieces

when I couldn't stop the hurt.

I never knew that something so small

could affect my life so much.

I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a mom.

Before I Was a Mom

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body...

I didn't know how special it could feel

to feed a hungry baby.

I didn't know the bond between a mother and her child.

I didn't know that something so small

could make me feels so important and happy.

Before I Was a Mom

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night

every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.

I had never known the warmth,

the joy,

the love,

the heartache,

the wonderment

or the satisfaction of being a mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,

before I was a mom.

May you always be overwhelmed by the Grace of God rather than by the cares of life.

I received this beautiful poem from a fellow d-mom that I know in "real life"...I don't know who the poem is by but I do know that it is beautiful and speaks a language I know well...a language of love and understanding and of the joys and struggles of being a parent. Being a mom is a blessing, it has brought with it so many emotions and although my journey the last few years has been difficult at times...I wouldn't trade it for anything.

To all the moms out there, may your day be blessed and let us celebrate the joys of being a mom everyday.

A Long Overdue Update!!!

A HUGELY overdue update...I am so, so, soooo out of the loop when it comes to the DOC...YIKES...I can't believe it's been over 2 months!!! *hanging head down in shame*

Well, life's been super busy. Can't complain though...we got a new nurse! She's fantastic and Miss E has really started to find her groove again and is very comfortable with her. I have to say, being without a full time nurse was a real eye-opener. We went through a tough spot for awhile but have come out the other end with more confidence and some added wisdom when it comes to managing d in school.

I took both my girls to their Endo last week, I always stress out over that...usually worried about A1C's and all that stuff. I'm happy to say that Miss E and Lil Miss C are doing great! Their doctor was very happy, the girls are growing like crazy and their A1C's were good. We have seen a trend though with Miss E lately in her night time bg's...she has been having a lot of highs, some nights she'll go to bed in the low to mid 100's and a few hours later she's in the high 200's. Last night before bed her bg was 156, 3 hours later it was 299 and that's with her only having a protein snack before bed! I thought that the reading was wrong so I retested and it was 309, I did a correction and set my alarm for a few hours later and her bg had went down to 178...good...two and half hours later it was up to 218! Yes, a mystery for sure. I didn't correct because she still had active insulin in her system and when she woke up for school...248!

This is a new trend for us, Miss E runs high all night and Lil Miss C has been having great overnight numbers with an occasional low bg in the mornings. So needless to say, it's been pretty frustrating. We're now looking into possibly pumping, her endo thinks that this would be our best bet to get better control over those overnight highs. So...a brand new beginning!!! PUMPING!!! Just the thought of it sends a million different emotions running through me, I know that anything new can seem scary, I do have a lot to learn so don't be surprised if I start throwing out 101 questions to all my DOC pumping pros!

The D-Grinch that stole Christmas

This years Christmas was hands down the best Christmas I've had in the last couple of years. To tell you the truth, our last two years of celebrating Christmas are a complete blur. I honestly don't think my heart was in it...it was too busy breaking...I was too busy being sad, angry, scared and confused. Christmas morning brought with it the bittersweet pain of seeing the joy in my girls faces, while I hid the pain that was hiding in their mom's heart.

I was in a state of grief, angry that we didn't put candy canes on our tree because I didn't want my kids to ask for one and me having to possibly tell them "no" because their blood sugar was too high, or maybe I was just too worried about how their numbers would react to a stick-o-sugar? I was sad that instead of running downstairs to tear into their gifts, I had them both sitting on the floor poking their tiny little fingers so I could get their blood sugar readings...only to find out that they were too low and we needed to eat breakfast first. We measured out food, let them eat, calculated carbs, gave each of them a shot and then, only then could we sit down and rip open presents.

My two precious babies, living everyday with this disease that disrupted everything. My pain was deep and dark, the sadness had consumed me and because of that sadness I missed so much. I sat there with my family, a smile plastered on my face, doing my best to "pretend" I was all there...but I wasn't. My mind would constantly drift back to that time when diabetes was a word we never used. Insulin was a mystery and carbs...who cared about carbs?!

I wish I could remember the presents, the laughter, the joy...thankfully I have the home movies to remind me that these moments did actually happen! I can look back on those videos and say "Oh yeah! I do remember that, I was sitting on the couch that day and maybe, just maybe, I did enjoy some of it...I am smiling in that picture after all."

I wasn't into the decorating, the music, buying presents or mailing out cards...I was in too much pain.

but...

Something has changed in me this year, I can feel a shift in my heart, my soul and my mind. The fog of despair is lifting and my joy has returned. This Christmas was the first Christmas since diabetes entered our lives that I have been able to feel like I can actually celebrate and enjoy the holidays again.

This year I wanted to C-E-L-E-B-R-A-T-E!!! I wanted to listen to Christmas music every single day, I wanted to light up our house with so many lights you could see the glow a mile away! I wanted to color pictures of trees, Santa and Frosty with my girls all day long...make snow angels, stand in line for Santa and relish in every memory that was created with my family this year...and for the first time since D came crashing into our life, I did relish every moment.

This year was magical, as corny as that may sound, I was HAPPY, diabetes is still here, but, this year diabetes didn't ruin the party...or at least I should say, I didn't let diabetes ruin the party. It took me some time and a lot of soul searching, but it was worth the wait.

Diabetes still brings me to my knees from time to time, I've spent many nights crying myself to sleep, the grief doesn't ever fully go away but with time the intensity of that pain begins to fade a little...finally allowing some room for the joy to find it's way back into our hearts.

and...

The girls had their candy cane this year :)

Breakfast, with a side of HOPE

This year we had the amazing opportunity to serve as the Ambassador Family for the 2010 Walk to Cure Diabetes. What does an Ambassador Family do??? Well, for our chapter, this means you speak at different events to tell your story and hopefully inspire the community and fellow d-families to join us in our efforts to raise money for the research needed to fund a cure for type 1 diabetes.


We spoke at four different events this year...to say that we were nervous at first would be an understatement if ever there was! The first time we stood in front of a group of strangers and spoke about our journey with type 1 diabetes and the impact it had on our family was incredibly difficult. I'm not gonna lie...I was a blubbering mess, you couldn't stop the tears from flowing if you paid me! Although the tears were flowing freely...I was able to speak with as much passion as there was pain.


It was a hugely successful moment for us and I have a post planned to tell you much more about that eventful day and the passion and drive that it later fueled in me.


We later had an opportunity to speak at a breakfast that was geared just towards our local business community and corporate sponsors. This was hands down one of the most rewarding experiences ever! I cannot fully express to you the emotions of that day, I can say that it felt like I had angels lifting me up and giving me the strength to deliver our story with as much heart, passion and courage as I have ever had.


It was bizarre, when my family took to the podium at this corporate breakfast I had NO FEAR...not an ounce of nervousness or hesitation. It felt as if a warm blanket of strength and courage had been wrapped around my shoulders as I walked towards the microphone. There we stood in front of 100 plus members of our local business community and we were able to tell them our story, yes...I cried at this event too. What can I say, I get all emotional when I revisit the days that my precious daughters were diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and the many days since that have been filled with needles, finger pokes, 3 am blood sugar checks, low blood sugars and high blood sugars. Despite my tears, I was able to tell them what life with d is truly like. The good, the bad and the downright scary.


The most rewarding part of that day was after the event was over, suddenly we were surrounded by strangers who wanted to hug us, thank us and tell us how moved they were by our story. We met one woman who has had type 1 diabetes for decades now, she came up to me, wrapped her arms around me and gave me the best gift ever. She wanted to thank us for sharing our journey with them, she knew that our story would inspire some of these businesses to join JDRF and us in our efforts to find a cure, and as someone who has lived with the disease for so long she said she just felt such gratitude towards us for being able to share something that is so painful. Her tears and emotions were so real and so raw, it was an indescribable moment.


We met a few other adults who had t1, they all thanked us and truly gave us a gift...it was a gift of gratitude. It warmed this d-mama's heart to know that our story may somehow inspire others to give to and support such a worthy and important cause. Any fear, any hesitation, any doubt I had about telling our families story to 100's of strangers evaporated that day. I knew that morning, we had done something and been a part of something that was so much bigger then us...when we got into our car together after the event was over my husband and I looked at each other and just smiled.


I'm not sharing this story with you to toot my own horn :) I guess my biggest reason for sharing this is that I believe that we all have a story, it's one that can inspire hope, change and progress. I may not get that cure that I dream of as soon as I would like, but I do know that amazing things are happening in the field of diabetes research and technology and if our story (or yours) can help by inspiring others to work with us towards a cure and help speed things up...hey, I'm all for it! Sometimes it's scary to open up and share like that, but sometimes...it can be life changing and the rewards that your heart receive are incredible.

Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas!!!

May your day be blessed and filled with...

HOPE

JOY

&

LOVE

Here's to you, my dear friends...

Many HUGS and holiday cheer to you all!!!

What If???

Those darn, nasty 'what-ifs' and crazy inner dialogue...


Sometimes I let the 'what-ifs' haunt me...like last nights 'what-if'. I had put my girls to bed at a very comfortable number, Miss E was at 153 and Lil Miss C had a bg of 190...now, I know that to some 190 is too high but for Lil Miss it is an acceptable place to be and we rarely correct before bedtime unless she is above 300 because she can drop like crazy and I'll be chasing lows all night. I went about doing my things, last night that was tending to a long list of way overdue Christmas cards that needed to be addressed and stamped!


I spent a few hours crossing stuff off of my to do list and then decided I would try to go to bed at a reasonable hour...for me that's anything before 1:00am :) It was actually 11:00pm, three hours after putting the girls to bed. I started to have some of that internal dialogue that I find myself doing WAY to often...


"Should I check the girls blood sugars??? I'm sure they are fine Connie, you always check before you go to bed and MOST of the time it's good. JUST RELAX...Let them sleep!"


"Most of the time...hmmmmm...I don't like that, I wish it were all the time. Most of the time just feels so uncertain, what if tonight is one of the nights when they are not ok???"

"It's 11:00pm!!! Their numbers were great 3 hours ago, just let them sleep and go to bed."


"Yeah...I'm tired, I'll just go to bed and set my alarm for 1:00am and test then. You worry too much, Connie...GO-TO-BED!"


"OK, ok, o.k....bed it is"


***sigh***


So...that internal dialogue is something that I do a lot, second guessing myself is another thing I'm REAL good at! So here comes part two of my late night conversation with myself...


"Man it feels good to be in bed at a decent hour, I hope that package gets here tomorrow...I do not feel like wrapping presents on Christmas eve! Ughhh, my back hurts. I hope it doesn't keep me up all night. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way..."


-I'm boring myself to sleep with these thoughts rambling through my mind when the panic button starts to go off in my head...


"I wonder what Miss E's bg is right now??? I wonder if Lil Miss C is comfortable, sometimes when she goes to bed in the upper 100's her numbers start to spike higher. I didn't give them much of a snack...normally that's ok, 190 with carbs=serious high bg's so it's ok you gave her just a light protein snack with a smidge of carbs...what are you so panicked about??? SERIOUSLY, I was just about to fall asleep...stop thinking!"


-trying to sleep again, closing eyes, willing brain to shut off for awhile...NOT HAPPENING...ARGHH!!!


"Just get up Connie and check them so you can have some peace of mind and go to sleep!"

"OK, ok, o.k....let's check their bg's"


***sigh***


Miss E...blood glucose of 150...hmmmm, not so bad. Holding steady.


Lil Miss C...blood glucose of...67!!! WTH!!!???


Needless to say I was a little freaked out. I treated her low by giving her a juice box and decided to sit in her room until it was time to re-test. I sat there in the rocking chair next to her bed, sitting in the dark while she quickly fell back to sleep and I began to count the minutes until it was time to test again. While sitting in her dark, quiet room I had a lot of time for some serious internal dialogue and a terrible case of the 'what-ifs'.


"What if...I didn't test her until 1:00am??? Would she have dropped into the 30's, would she have woken up dizzy, hungry and distraught or would she have slept through it?"


"What if...I didn't test her until 3:00am??? Would she have slipped into a coma??? Could she have...I can't even say it...could my worst nightmare have become a reality???"


"What if"


"What if"


"What if"


Sometimes I think I over think things, sometimes that's a bad thing...sometimes it's a good thing. Last nights inner turmoil was a blessing in disguise, my instincts wouldn't let me sleep and I am thankful for that. For all I know she could have dropped even lower...or not...


Who knows...last night was just another rude reminder as to why we work so hard to raise money, raise awareness and work towards a cure...I just wish we had a cure, now.

An Ambassador Of Hope

Not long ago I sat in a room full of people who had all come together for one thing...to begin our Quest For a Cure. It was JDRF's Team Captain kick-off luncheon for the 2009 Walk to Cure Diabetes. We enjoyed a light lunch of salad and ice tea as we listened to different speakers, the branch manager got up and spoke about diabetes research and the advances in technology, the president of the board gave his speech and then a family took the stage. A husband, a wife and their young son stood tall at their podium, side by side.


They began to talk about their life with diabetes, the diagnosis, the fears, the daily challenges of type 1 diabetes and how it has impacted their lives. They were serving as the Ambassador family for the walk that year, they talked about their passion and their commitment to do all that they could to help raise money for the research needed to find a cure.


I remember sitting at our table with my husband and our daughter's, Lil Miss C had just been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes only months earlier and Miss E was just over a year into her life with D, as I listened to their stories and saw the pain in their eyes I was willing myself not to cry but the emotions of their words touched me on a level that was so raw and so delicate that I could not hold back the tears.


With wet cheeks and a runny nose, I couldn't hide the emotions that had taken over me. I hugged Lil Miss C who was sitting on my lap, pulling her into my chest and burying my face into her hair in the hopes that I could hide the anguish that was written all over it. In that moment I made a silent promise to both of my girls, I promised that I would do everything in my power to not only raise as much money as I could to help fund research for a cure, but I was also going to work hard to raise awareness and bring attention to our cause.


I remember thinking as I watched this family speak so courageously about their journey...that could be us someday, we could be the family standing at that microphone sharing our story and inspiring others as this family was so obviously inspiring us. It was a scary thought, on stage in front of hundreds of strangers talking about such a personal and at times painful story. Being able to open yourself up and allow people into your fear, pain and sadness. It's funny though, in being real you are also showing your hope, commitment and strength at the same time. It's a very vulnerable place to be.


I admired this family for their courage to stand in front of us with their hearts wide open, sharing their hope with us. It was a powerful day for me on such a deep and personal level. I had never heard anyone ever express out loud the very same feelings and fears that I was having everyday. They sparked in me a great surge of hope and determination. I left that luncheon with a new sense of strength and purpose.


That year I set aside any sense of hesitation or intimidation..after our walk kick-off I sent letters and e-mails to everyone I knew. After hearing how this family had shared their story with the husbands work place and how his company had become one of their biggest supporters in the walk every year, we decided we too were going to talk with my husbands work. We approached the company he works for and to our delight they jumped on board with us 100%, they hosted an internal walk kick-off and they sponsored our team t-shirts. That year we had an amazing turnout of walkers and we raised over $5,600.00!!!


We ended up receiving an award for being the Top Family Rookie Team for 2009...a HUGE surprise to us and a HUGE honor! It felt good and it gave me such a sense of strength, we were doing something and we were making a difference. I started to do volunteer work with JDRF, becoming Chair of our local TOFUN committee (Type One Families United Network) and helping out at our local JDRF Gala...another story for another day :) It was great, I never gave another thought about being an ambassador family since that day at our luncheon...I never even spoke it out loud, it was just a thought, not something I was seeking out.


Then it happened...


We were asked if we would be interested in serving as the 2010 Walk To Cure Diabetes Ambassador Family!!! Shocked, scared, excited, nervous, happy...you name it, we felt it. In the end we faced our fears head on and we accepted, yes...we would be honored to be the 2010 Ambassador Family. So there it is, a full circle moment.


Just think, this one family inspired us to do so much...just because they shared their story! I am thankful everyday that I had an opportunity to hear their words and their story.

Hello My Lovely Blog!

Oh,


my lovely blog....HELLO...how I have missed you...


How I have missed sharing my stories, my moments of triumph and yes, even those awful moments of defeat...the good...the bad...and everything in between!!! How I have missed the words of my fellow bloggers. Yes...I have practically fallen off the face of the D-world!


I am so sorry that my absence has gone this long! I may have neglected you, but you were never far from my thoughts. I have been gone too long...BUT, I am back, jumping in with both feet...


Oh, the stories I have to share!

Things That Make Me Smile

Today is No D-Day...


What does this mean??? Well, it means that all around the D.O.C. we will not blog, tweet, facebook or talk about diabetes. So in honor of this special day I have come up with a small list of things I would like to share with you. Just a glimpse into some things that make me happy and can turn my frown upside down.


Things That Make Me Smile...

• A steaming cup of coffee with hazelnut cream and cinnamon...mmmmm

• Waking up to a cool, crisp autumn morning

• The laughter of my daughters

• Warm, cozy pajamas on a cold night

• A good book

I'm sure that from my list you may be able to tell that fall has officially begun for us, I love fall...the turning of the leaves, warm sweaters, the anticipation and excitement as the holiday season draws near. As I am writing this list, my daughters are enjoying a day of playing with playdoh and coloring...Miss E has asked me to read to her what I'm writing, apparently she isn't satisfied with the list as I have written it and she has requested that I add something to it. So here it is...

• I love my daughters...more then anything in the world!!!

I think that goes without saying, but she has informed me that my list is much better now that I have added that very important addition. Of course the love that I have for my kids will always make me smile, they bring such joy to my life.

It's funny how little things can bring such joy and happiness, what things make you smile??? I think this post has just inspired me to try to do a list of Things That Make Me Smile once a week here on Hope and Beginnings...it's a good reminder to try to enjoy the little moments in life, something that we easily forget to do sometimes. I know I am guilty of it...it's so easy to get caught up in the negative, so today I will have a cup of coffee, put on a warm sweater after the sun goes down, make my girls laugh out loud and maybe finish the day off with a good book!!!

The Biggest Loser

Confession time...I am a reality show junkie. Ok, maybe not a junkie, but borderline obsessed with a few shows.



One of those shows that I love and never miss an episode of is The Biggest Loser, I love it. I cry during every episode, their stories are inspiring, they motivate me to try to take better care of my own health and, I'll be honest here...I do love the drama.



Last night I sat down in front of my tv after putting my girls to bed, anticipating another great episode and then...WTH?!? Did Dr. H just say what I think he said?!? I was one mad mama pancreas last night.



Dr. H. brought in each contestant one by one to give them the low down on how bad their health had become due to their obesity...here's where the mad mama pancreas part comes in. While talking to one of the men on the show he begins to talk to him about his diabetes. He asks doctor H. if this is reversible and do you want to know what Dr. H. said???



"Diabetes is curable, but you can't cure diabetes when you've got this amount of fat".



That's it....not type 2, just diabetes.



Now some people may ask, why are you so bent out of shape about that comment? Well, for me I feel that it's just one more tv doctor spreading miss-information. Ok, so type 2 diabetes can be "cured" with diet and exercise, as Dr. H. explains while he points to a big tv screen with a picture of this mans stomach. I feel that when a broad statement such as "Diabetes is curable" is announced on a tv show that millions of people are watching it only hurts those of us who are trying to raise not only awareness about type 1 diabetes but also trying to raise money to help fund research to find a cure for type 1 diabetes!



True story here...



My first year of raising money towards JDRF's Walk to Cure Diabetes, I had a friend collecting donations for our team. One of the people she was talking to about our efforts asked, "Why should I donate to that? They should just eat better". WTH?!? EAT BETTER!!! I wish that were all we needed to do to cure type 1 diabetes! This is where I feel that many people are miss-informed or simply know nothing about the disease and when we start having celebrity doctors only adding to the confusion it makes me wanna scream at the tv!


I know that the intentions of this show are to help people...and they are, they are helping so many people reclaim their health and really look at their diets and how active they are. This IS a good thing, I will still watch the show...I just wish they would be more specific when referring to diabetes.



I only wish that these celebrity doctors, talk show hosts, reporters, would state the facts...the real facts, not just broad sweeping statements that add to the confusion about type 1 diabetes. This is just one more example of a tv show causing disappointment and sadness...it really does hurt me, it breaks my heart to think that now there are even more people who may judge my kids because of this disease, that they may think that it's our fault or that we aren't doing enough to keep them healthy. That now there will be more people who will never give to JDRF or any other organization trying to bring us closer to a cure because of some tv doctor that didn't think about how powerful his words are.


Dr. H...I HOPE you will realize how much influence you have on the world, yes...it was just one sentence and, yes, some people may have known you were talking about type 2 diabetes and only type 2 diabetes, but...we owe it to our kids to get it right, let's stop spreading the confusion!

Doing The Happy Dance!

School is officially in session! I spent quite a few weeks this summer preparing myself mentally and emotionally to send Miss E off to kindergarten...I was freaking out just a little bit!


You see, this would be the first time I would EVER be apart from her for longer then maybe an hour! In her five years, I never left her with a babysitter, she didn't go to preschool, we were together all the time. So you can imagine that my anxiety level was borderline OFF THE CHARTS! Just before she was diagnosed I began to look into preschool for her, but after her diagnosis of type 1 diabetes I just couldn't do it.


Don't worry...she wasn't sent of to kindergarten without some book smarts :) I spent a lot of time working with her, hanging out at the library, teaching her all that I could so she would be prepared for the big moment...the first day of school.


I had an opportunity to meet with her new teacher and the teachers educational assistant before school started. It gave us time to really discuss Miss E's care and how we would manage her diabetes in the classroom. So, here is the BIG, BIG surprise...


Her teacher has type 1 diabetes!!!!!!!!! YEP, you heard me right! She has type 1 diabetes!!!! Can you believe it????!!!! I swear to you, I was soooooooo excited it was borderline inappropriate! I don't ever want to be excited that someone has diabetes, but to know that my daughters first teacher ever, has type 1 diabetes....I just don't think I could have dreamed up a better scenario. I am not kidding you, when I found that out I was like a kid who just walked through the gates of Disneyland for the first time...elated, in awe, dumbfounded, borderline tears of joy stinging my eyes! I later apologized to her for my excitement, I felt that I went a little too close to doing a happy dance and I didn't want her to think I was nuts. Of course, she completely understood and she "got it"...she knows and understands my fears and my worries, she "gets it".


So, almost immediately my anxiety levels plummeted...it was like I could breathe again for the first time in weeks. Here's another beautiful piece of the puzzle, the educational assistant...well, she is also a nurse! Yes, I think that settles it...I just won the diabetes jackpot (if there were such a prize).


Miss E loves school, she doesn't even want to take days off for the weekend! It's been great, she wakes up every morning excited and ready for another day at school. I love it! So far, so good.


The school has a wonderful nurse and a health assistant who have been fantastic, they are really stepping up to the plate and going above and beyond what I was expecting. It's been a true blessing and I am just so thankful for this amazing start in this new journey we are on...a brand new beginning for us, a new day and a new adventure has begun!

SHOUT OUT TO MY D-PEEPS

So this is a much overdue post, I guess you could say I took a long vacation from blogging...I needed to recharge my batteries and start gearing up for the school year. I spent a lot of time with my kids, hanging out, playing, coloring and just soaking up their joy and love! Miss E has started kindergarten and I felt like I was counting down the days until she left me...I was a wreck!!!


We also had lots of family visiting us and we even took a road trip, there were JDRF functions and many play dates and sleepovers!


Summer was fun and full of action...


But something was missing...what was missing you may ask??? Well YOU of course!!! I have spent the last couple of hours catching up on some of my fellow D-peeps blogs and I just realized how much I have missed you all!!! So this is my quick shout out to all my fellow D-bloggers out there, reading your posts has reminded me of how lucky I am to have such an amazing group of friends out there who are living this life with D right along with me and can understand the struggles that we face...you inspire, amaze, and delight me...you make me laugh, you make me cry and you remind me that I am not alone in this.


Thank you for sharing your stories and inspiring me...I want to share with you this quote...

You have within you

the STRENGTH,

the PATIENCE,

and the PASSION

to reach for the stars

and change the WORLD!

-Harriet Tubman

I believe that every time we share a story, a moment, a fear or a triumph...we can change someones life and have an impact. Even if you don't think you are making a difference, you are...

Swim Lessons

Miss E has finally started swim lessons, this was something that she has been looking forward to for a long time and something that I have been anticipating with much hope and a little bit of anxiety...you see, I have heard crazy stories about how swimming impacts blood sugar levels.


Now, Miss E is not swimming laps around the pool...she's only five. Yep, she turned five this summer...my little girl is growing up sooooooo fast and kindergarten is just around the corner. So Miss E has taken to swimming and is loving her class, she has been doing so good. I love watching her, there are only five girls in her class so I am able to watch each little personality as they spend 35 minutes in the water splashing and jumping their little hearts out. It's just too cute!


One of the girls is a die hard doggie paddler...this kid just paddles her heart out doing little circles in the pool, and she rarely listens to her swim instructor! In fact the other girls will be doing an activity and this one is off heading in the other direction, it's as if she is in her own little world. Then there's the little girl who is always fearless, she will jump off any ledge, dunk her head over and over or fly down a water slide head first!!! So many personalities...my Miss E, well she is the cautious one. She is always within a few feet of her instructor listening intently and hanging on to every word. She follows his direction well, but if it's something that scares her she immediately goes into negotiation mode...he wanted the girls to jump into a hula hoop looking thing off the side of the pool, all the girls did it but Miss E made him hold her hands while she jumped and she was very careful not to let her head go under the water.


Then there was the day when the girls were supposed to dip their heads under the water, well Miss E would only put her face down while holding her nose and she wouldn't let her ears go under water...like I said, she's very cautious. It was funny, on the first day of swim class her instructor told the girls "If something is too scary for you, you don't have to do it." So later that day I was asking her why she wouldn't dunk her head in the water, you know what she said? Word for word..."My teacher said if something is too scary for me then I don't have to do it mommy" She's a smart one!


I love that she is cautious...it makes me feel good that she won't try anything too dangerous, she is my timid one and she takes her time with everything, always asking lots of questions. Every child has their very own unique personality, I try to help hers blossom and not force anything on her...although after her first class was over she did say she didn't want to swim anymore. All that I asked was that she finish her week out and give it some time and guess what...after day two she was IN LOVE WITH SWIMMING!!!


So far her numbers have been great, I don't think she is in the water long enough or excerpting too much energy for it to have a big impact on her blood sugar...thank goodness! We have been very careful before each class, I check her blood sugar right before class starts and I make sure we have plenty of snacks on hand...but so far it has gone great without any problems, no lows and no major high bg's. She only has one more week of lessons and she is already asking when she will be taking more classes...UH OH, what have I just started here :) I may have a future swimmer on my hands!

Kindergarten

I'm still here...really, I am!


Life has been very, VERY busy! I don't see it slowing down anytime soon...in fact, I feel like life is going to be pretty hectic for me in the near future. Miss E will be starting kindergarten in about a month...my heart is racing as I sit here and write the words. I know that this is a wonderful thing, one that I do look forward to...but I am also dreading it. Is that even possible?! Looking forward to something and in the same sentence dreading it?!


I have never been apart from Miss E for more then an hour since she was diagnosed with T1...I am thrilled at the thought of her entering school and taking that journey, but I am scared too. It's hard to imagine someone other then myself caring for my baby...someone caring for her health, watching over her, protecting her. I know that parents leave their children in the care of others all the time, but this is the first time I will be letting someone else do it for me. I need to prepare myself emotionally for this, I know she will be fine but my ever-worrying mind just won't rest.


I went to a birthday party today with my girls and met a few parents who have kids that will be going to the same school as Miss E...of course I was trying to get all the inside scoop on the school and so far have heard nothing but wonderful things. I will hold on to those positive words and prepare myself and Miss E for this big moment. I am anticipating great things, a little fear and a lot of tears...from ME of course!

A Quick Rant

I just need to rant a little...just a little!

Last night was TERRIBLE! Miss E had a really rough night with her blood sugar numbers, no matter what I did it was really difficult to keep her under the 200 mark. Almost impossible! When she went to bed she was at a beautiful 154, not bad if I do say so. Around 11:00 pm I decided to check both my girls blood sugars and guess what I saw on Miss E's meter...390!!!

Yeah, I was pretty floored by that number. A quick trip to my kitchen for some insulin and I was back upstairs giving my poor girl a shot which woke her up and she was NOT happy about that. I continued to check her blood sugar and correct every few hours and we had a 318, something in the 200's and by the time she woke up...another number in the 200's!

Sigh...I just hate nights like that. Every time I would get up my husband would wake up, I felt a bit bad about that because he gets up so early for work. I used to have my husband check the girls blood sugars with me at the 3:00 am checks but because of his work schedule I decided it better if I do them on my own...he used to hold the flashlight while I poked their fingers...I have since mastered the art of holding a light and all my d-supplies all by myself in these late night checks!

So I would check on Lil Miss C and her numbers were great last night and they had the exact same things to eat that day and the same level of activity. Sometimes it just doesn't make sense.

So there's my quick rant...I wish we didn't have to deal with nights like this...thank goodness these nights are not a regular thing in our home!!! I always think of what those high numbers are doing to my little girls body. Just makes me wanna cry sometimes!

A Brand New Look!

"Do not be afraid of change, be afraid of not changing"

In my last post "What's in A Name?", I talked about that saying, I'm not sure many of you had a chance to read it because I published it just before blogger had some major technical issues and service was unavailable for quite some time. In that post I talked about how I am trying to use this as my new mantra and never allowing fear to direct my decisions...unless of course the fear is justified and whatever action I am contemplating could cause harm.

I want to push through my fears and do the things that make me happy...trying new things, overcoming obstacles, tackling projects I may have pushed to the side or pursuing things that would push me outside of my comfort zone.

So...when I saw the new templates that blogger just put out I thought, how fitting...I am trying new things in life, how about a new look to my blog!

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

What's In A Name?

card I received from my sister-in-law

Hope and Beginnings...I had a hard time trying to pick out a name for this blog, although I will probably talk about diabetes a lot, I know that I will be sharing things with you that have nothing to do with type 1 diabetes. Although, since my girls were diagnosed I believe that my direction in life and my passions have been changed to some degree because of it.

I still have all of the same values in life, but the things that I have always wanted to do, well...I don't think I would have done half of them if it weren't for T1. I know to some of you this may sound slightly ridiculous, so please bear with me.

About 15 years ago I sat down with my best friend and we each wrote a list...50 Things I Want To Do Before I Die...we were young, silly teenagers with big dreams!

Now, here I am fifteen years later and I have only done 5 things off of that list! I realize that many of us have written these kinds of lists and life, love and the everyday stuff just kind of takes over and at times gets in the way of our dreams...it's not that it is a bad life, it's just a different one then the one I had written down so long ago. I definitely never envisioned that I would have type 1 diabetes be a part of that life, now that it is, I really needed to sit down and think about what I want out of this new life...this life that includes syringes, test strips, insulin, low blood sugars and high blood sugars and everything in between.

I am learning a lesson about life these days, one that I would have rather learned on my own without my daughters having to be diagnosed with diabetes, but regardless...I am learning a lesson. For me the lesson is this...life is short, we never know what obstacles we will face and there has never been a better time then the present to just live it to the fullest!!!

So back to my list I wrote 15 years ago, I have since lost it and I am really trying hard to find it again because I would love to share with you what was on it...I think we all would have a good laugh, I know a large portion of it was all of the concerts I wanted to go to...something on many teenage minds I am sure! Another thing that I remember was I wanted to go skydiving...not anymore!!! It's funny how our interests and passions can change over time, I am now working on a new list and it is one that is very different then the one I wrote so long ago. My new list also has a new name...

"My Life List"

I spent many years only taking care of my family and putting my needs on the back burner, taking care of my kids is always my number one priority but I realize that my needs and my dreams are just as important and will probably make me a better mother, wife, friend etc. if I am doing the things that fill me up and spark creativity, joy and fulfillment in my life. When I realized that my daughters were going to have to live with diabetes for the rest of their life, I decided that I needed to be a better role model for them as to how they live that life. I wanted to be the person that shows my girls that no matter what life gives us, we can enjoy it and live it with great joy and fulfillment. I know that they will face a lot more obstacles then I could ever imagine and I don't want my girls to wait too long to do what makes them happy and I don't want them to ever feel like diabetes is going to get in the way of living it up to the fullest. I want them to live, love and do the things in life that give them great joy...and so do I.

So...HOPE...

• I am hopeful that a cure for diabetes will be found.
• I am hopeful that my blog will have a positive impact on other families faced with a type 1 diabetes diagnosis.
• I am hopeful that my blog will have a positive impact on ANYONE who stops by and takes the time to read .
• I am hopeful that my girls will live a long, healthy, happy life filled with all of their dreams realized.
• I am hopeful that in some way I may inspire others to do their part in making our world a better place, whether that is by encouraging people to volunteer, share their story or make a difference in any way.
• I am hopeful that this blog will inspire me
• I am hopeful...

And...BEGINNINGS...

• Beginning to live a fuller life.
• Beginning to try new things...what's the worst that could happen...I fail (SO WHAT)! I try something else.
• Beginning to connect with other families who are living with type 1 diabetes.
• Beginning to face my fears, it's kind of my new mantra...

"Do not be afraid of change, be afraid of not changing."

My sister-in-law sent me a card with that saying on the front if it, this was over three years ago and I still have it on my fridge, it inspires me daily. After T1 entered our lives it had an even greater impact on me and on how I lived my life.

• Beginning to live in the moment...don't let those beautiful little moments go by unrecognized.
• Beginning to open myself up to the possibility...of what I'm not sure...just waiting to find out.

So that is what's in a name, I'm sure that it will continue to grow with me, but for now I think that kind of sums it up.

Hope and Beginnings...I hope you will join me for the journey!

Dream A Little Dream

D-blog week was amazing, I was doing so good at posting everyday until this weekend...life took center stage and I wasn't able to finish the week off. I have been thinking a lot about the last subject...

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM...

Imagine there is a tiny little pill that you could swallow and *poof* type 1 diabetes is cured, no more insulin, no more blood glucose tests...no more diabetes.

What would you do that first day of your life after type 1 diabetes was cured?

This has been incredibly difficult for me to imagine...it is what I want so desperately for my kids, yet I hardly ever sit down and truly think about life after diabetes, I guess I am too busy living life with diabetes. I have been very active in raising money to fund research for a cure, I try to educate my family, friends, strangers and anyone who will listen to me about type 1 diabetes...

But I have never let myself go to that place...

That place where I really feel the emotions connected to my daughters being cured, I want it SO badly...I ache for it...

But I don't imagine it.

I have hope that the day will come, I believe in a cure, I just don't fantasize about that day...but today I will.

THE CURE...

~I would cry...sob is more like it.

~I would hug my two girls and hang on for dear life and never let go...they might think I'm crazy but I don't care!

~I would take my girls out for the day and not pack a bag full of diabetes supplies and snacks, then 20 minutes into our outing I would probably have a panic attack because I forgot all of our "stuff"...wait a minute, that's right, we don't need it anymore!

~I would take them out to eat and not worry about carbs...then we would order dessert!

~I would let them stay up late and eat loads and loads of popcorn!

~Then let them sleep in till 10:00 am...or later!!!

~I would go to bed and actually fall asleep without worrying that something terrible may happen to them while I sleep.

~I wouldn't set my alarm clock for 1:00 am or 3:00 am...or at all!!!

~I would stop going into their bedrooms at night to check and make sure they are still breathing.

~I would thank the Lord and all the powers that be for blessing us with this magnificent cure!

~I would sit down and write a letter of thanks and praise for every.single.person who EVER donated to JDRF, walked for a cure or simply spread the word about T1D or said a prayer for my kids.

~I would sleep for 8 hours straight and not wake up once...that is unless someone needs a glass of water or needs to use the bathroom. Let face it, with toddlers sleep is a luxury, diabetes or no diabetes.

Man...as I am sitting here writing all of the things I imagine we would do that first day a cure was found I feel like I could write a thousand things we would do, but when it comes down to it I would just be thankful. Thankful that I don't have to worry about the challenges that my girls faced, thankful that the devastating complications from type 1 would be a thing of the past, thankful that they were healthy again.

It is almost too much to imagine...I do want it so badly for them, it's why we have participated in JDRF's Walk to Cure Diabetes from the beginning and always will until a cure is found.

It's why I try to raise money and awareness, I want a cure, I want my girls to know what life without diabetes is like.

I will always actively pursue a cure and do all that I can as a parent to make it happen, but I will not torture myself with the "if only they were cured". I want them to live the life they have to the fullest, here and now, with diabetes...until that cure is found.