Those darn, nasty 'what-ifs' and crazy inner dialogue...
Sometimes I let the 'what-ifs' haunt me...like last nights 'what-if'. I had put my girls to bed at a very comfortable number, Miss E was at 153 and Lil Miss C had a bg of 190...now, I know that to some 190 is too high but for Lil Miss it is an acceptable place to be and we rarely correct before bedtime unless she is above 300 because she can drop like crazy and I'll be chasing lows all night. I went about doing my things, last night that was tending to a long list of way overdue Christmas cards that needed to be addressed and stamped!
I spent a few hours crossing stuff off of my to do list and then decided I would try to go to bed at a reasonable hour...for me that's anything before 1:00am :) It was actually 11:00pm, three hours after putting the girls to bed. I started to have some of that internal dialogue that I find myself doing WAY to often...
"Should I check the girls blood sugars??? I'm sure they are fine Connie, you always check before you go to bed and MOST of the time it's good. JUST RELAX...Let them sleep!"
"Most of the time...hmmmmm...I don't like that, I wish it were all the time. Most of the time just feels so uncertain, what if tonight is one of the nights when they are not ok???"
"It's 11:00pm!!! Their numbers were great 3 hours ago, just let them sleep and go to bed."
"Yeah...I'm tired, I'll just go to bed and set my alarm for 1:00am and test then. You worry too much, Connie...GO-TO-BED!"
"OK, ok, o.k....bed it is"
***sigh***
So...that internal dialogue is something that I do a lot, second guessing myself is another thing I'm REAL good at! So here comes part two of my late night conversation with myself...
"Man it feels good to be in bed at a decent hour, I hope that package gets here tomorrow...I do not feel like wrapping presents on Christmas eve! Ughhh, my back hurts. I hope it doesn't keep me up all night. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way..."
-I'm boring myself to sleep with these thoughts rambling through my mind when the panic button starts to go off in my head...
"I wonder what Miss E's bg is right now??? I wonder if Lil Miss C is comfortable, sometimes when she goes to bed in the upper 100's her numbers start to spike higher. I didn't give them much of a snack...normally that's ok, 190 with carbs=serious high bg's so it's ok you gave her just a light protein snack with a smidge of carbs...what are you so panicked about??? SERIOUSLY, I was just about to fall asleep...stop thinking!"
-trying to sleep again, closing eyes, willing brain to shut off for awhile...NOT HAPPENING...ARGHH!!!
"Just get up Connie and check them so you can have some peace of mind and go to sleep!"
"OK, ok, o.k....let's check their bg's"
***sigh***
Miss E...blood glucose of 150...hmmmm, not so bad. Holding steady.
Lil Miss C...blood glucose of...67!!! WTH!!!???
Needless to say I was a little freaked out. I treated her low by giving her a juice box and decided to sit in her room until it was time to re-test. I sat there in the rocking chair next to her bed, sitting in the dark while she quickly fell back to sleep and I began to count the minutes until it was time to test again. While sitting in her dark, quiet room I had a lot of time for some serious internal dialogue and a terrible case of the 'what-ifs'.
"What if...I didn't test her until 1:00am??? Would she have dropped into the 30's, would she have woken up dizzy, hungry and distraught or would she have slept through it?"
"What if...I didn't test her until 3:00am??? Would she have slipped into a coma??? Could she have...I can't even say it...could my worst nightmare have become a reality???"
"What if"
"What if"
"What if"
Sometimes I think I over think things, sometimes that's a bad thing...sometimes it's a good thing. Last nights inner turmoil was a blessing in disguise, my instincts wouldn't let me sleep and I am thankful for that. For all I know she could have dropped even lower...or not...
Who knows...last night was just another rude reminder as to why we work so hard to raise money, raise awareness and work towards a cure...I just wish we had a cure, now.
Im so sorry for the WHAT IF's! I do it all the time too....its so draining...
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) Now go to bed!
Hate those nights of a great bedtime numbers turning low. Good catch...glad you listened to yourself! I have found that when my mind doesn't let me stop thinking about what my son is at, it is usually for a reason. Like my mind is connected to him. D does crazy thing!!
ReplyDeleteI have slept through the two alarms, now have three.... Also have had lows happen between the checks. So far, thankfully, her liver has always kicked in glucose and she has had rebounds. I think, at least in the first few years, this response is in place. But you never know. Even if we don't get a cure, an insulin that does not cause lows such as Smart Insulin would change the face of diabetes care. Hoping her nights won't be the same as ours have been......
ReplyDeleteAre you sure you aren't living in my head too? Your thought feed sounds VERY familiar! I hate wrapping on Christmas Eve.
ReplyDeleteOn the bg check...thank goodness you got up. I have asked myself the very same questions. I was shocked when Joe would be just sleeping through the 30s (THAT IS SCARY).
(((HUGS)))
Oh Connie, I play that same game! Should I check his BG again? Should I? So glad you checked!!!
ReplyDeleteThe one thing I hate about checks is that it's just a number. Never tells you the trend. It can be maddening!
One....a CGM is coming my way!
Hope you have a great Christmas!
I know that inner monologue all too well. The CGM has been huge for us in that area. I cannot say enough about how much it eases your mind so you can go to bed knowing that they're okay.
ReplyDeleteI can never 'just go to bed'. The inner dialogue has my up at least once, sometimes twice before I can fall asleep. Did I overcorrect? How much insulin does she still have on board? Should I turn down her basal more to avoid a low? Did I turn down her basal too much and she's going to go high? I set the alarm clock for 1am, but did I turn it on?
ReplyDeleteIn the end I think we need to go with our instinct like you did. You're doing an awesome job playing a very, very complex game Connie. Give yourself a pat on the back and Happy Holidays to you and your family :-)
You just recalled the conversation inside my brain every day. Sugar just started wearing a Dexcom, and it hasn't helped either. I don't trust it...well...not yet, anyway.
ReplyDeleteThe mind games drive me insane. I feel like they've taken the brain I used to know and turned it into a pile of mush.
Ugh. I know those thoughts. I've become used to just checking at my bedtime and again anywhere between 1-3 am.... Depending on what time I go to bed and what the number was. Thank Goodness for Mommy instinct!!
ReplyDelete