totally random

From the mouth of my adorable 3 year old, Lil Miss C...

Corn-a-ma-cob, corn-a-ma-cob!!! Yaaay! I loooooove corn-a-ma-cob!

Translation...

Corn on the cob, corn on the cob!!! Yaaay! I loooooove corn on the cob!

How cute is that?! I guess I'm easily amused!

I know, totally random but I just couldn't resist sharing :)

Hello, my name is Connie!

Where does the time go??? I feel like a stranger, reintroducing myself to the friends who gave me hope and a good dose of daily sanity and that comforting sense of "same". I promise, you have not been forgotten...my life took a turn towards the crazy train for awhile and I just felt like I couldn't keep my head above the water.

I know that most of the stress and the reoccurring sense of being completely overwhelmed were slightly self-induced. I'm really good at over analyzing, over stressing and just plain being a worry wart! Not a good place to be when you have two kiddos with type 1 diabetes depending on their mama to keep it together.

So......I took a break from my on-line daily stalking of my favorite blogs ;) I also took a break from my blog and spent the summer reading books that have been on my wish list forever, playing, resting and trying to keep my sanity in check :) No worries, I didn't take a break from diabetes...unfortunately diabetes doesn't go on vacation! But I just had to disconnect for awhile, I think my brain cells are thanking me but I feel so out of the loop it's ridiculous!

Some quick updates, Miss E is now officially a first grader! She is about 3 weeks into the school year and it wasn't a smooth transition. She really has struggled with adjusting to the demands of school again, I know she just needs time to get comfortable and back into the swing of things. In good time.

Lil Miss C is growing like a weed...I can hardly believe that she is almost 2 1/2 years into this diabetes life and she isn't even 4 yet! Blaaah! That bothers me something fierce. Oh man, what a crazy life this little one has lived in her short years, thousands of shots, thousands of finger pokes, highs, lows and everything in-between.

Good news on the pumping for Miss E...we have decided to put her on the Animas pump! She is still on shots right now, but we are in the process of getting the pump and all the training needed to make it happen. Very exciting and scary all at the same time. I will update you as we go along this new journey. Wish us luck and I hope that all has been well with my fellow diabetes on-line community! I will spend the next week trying to catch up on all the posts that have sat unread due to my mini vacation.

Take care my friends! Until next time :)

Before I Was a Mom...

Before I Was a Mom

I never tripped on toys

or forgot words to a lullaby.

I didn't worry whether or not

my plants were poisonous.

I never thought about immunizations

Before I was a Mom

I had never been puked on.

pooped on.

chewed on.

peed on.

I had complete control of my mind

and my thoughts.

I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom

I never held down a screaming child

so doctors could do tests.

Or give shots.

I never looked into teary eyes and cried.

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.

I never sat up late hours at night

watching a baby sleep.

Before I Was a Mom

I never held a sleeping baby just because

I didn't want to put her down.

I never felt my heart break into a million pieces

when I couldn't stop the hurt.

I never knew that something so small

could affect my life so much.

I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a mom.

Before I Was a Mom

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body...

I didn't know how special it could feel

to feed a hungry baby.

I didn't know the bond between a mother and her child.

I didn't know that something so small

could make me feels so important and happy.

Before I Was a Mom

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night

every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.

I had never known the warmth,

the joy,

the love,

the heartache,

the wonderment

or the satisfaction of being a mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,

before I was a mom.

May you always be overwhelmed by the Grace of God rather than by the cares of life.

I received this beautiful poem from a fellow d-mom that I know in "real life"...I don't know who the poem is by but I do know that it is beautiful and speaks a language I know well...a language of love and understanding and of the joys and struggles of being a parent. Being a mom is a blessing, it has brought with it so many emotions and although my journey the last few years has been difficult at times...I wouldn't trade it for anything.

To all the moms out there, may your day be blessed and let us celebrate the joys of being a mom everyday.

A Long Overdue Update!!!

A HUGELY overdue update...I am so, so, soooo out of the loop when it comes to the DOC...YIKES...I can't believe it's been over 2 months!!! *hanging head down in shame*

Well, life's been super busy. Can't complain though...we got a new nurse! She's fantastic and Miss E has really started to find her groove again and is very comfortable with her. I have to say, being without a full time nurse was a real eye-opener. We went through a tough spot for awhile but have come out the other end with more confidence and some added wisdom when it comes to managing d in school.

I took both my girls to their Endo last week, I always stress out over that...usually worried about A1C's and all that stuff. I'm happy to say that Miss E and Lil Miss C are doing great! Their doctor was very happy, the girls are growing like crazy and their A1C's were good. We have seen a trend though with Miss E lately in her night time bg's...she has been having a lot of highs, some nights she'll go to bed in the low to mid 100's and a few hours later she's in the high 200's. Last night before bed her bg was 156, 3 hours later it was 299 and that's with her only having a protein snack before bed! I thought that the reading was wrong so I retested and it was 309, I did a correction and set my alarm for a few hours later and her bg had went down to 178...good...two and half hours later it was up to 218! Yes, a mystery for sure. I didn't correct because she still had active insulin in her system and when she woke up for school...248!

This is a new trend for us, Miss E runs high all night and Lil Miss C has been having great overnight numbers with an occasional low bg in the mornings. So needless to say, it's been pretty frustrating. We're now looking into possibly pumping, her endo thinks that this would be our best bet to get better control over those overnight highs. So...a brand new beginning!!! PUMPING!!! Just the thought of it sends a million different emotions running through me, I know that anything new can seem scary, I do have a lot to learn so don't be surprised if I start throwing out 101 questions to all my DOC pumping pros!

The D-Grinch that stole Christmas

This years Christmas was hands down the best Christmas I've had in the last couple of years. To tell you the truth, our last two years of celebrating Christmas are a complete blur. I honestly don't think my heart was in it...it was too busy breaking...I was too busy being sad, angry, scared and confused. Christmas morning brought with it the bittersweet pain of seeing the joy in my girls faces, while I hid the pain that was hiding in their mom's heart.

I was in a state of grief, angry that we didn't put candy canes on our tree because I didn't want my kids to ask for one and me having to possibly tell them "no" because their blood sugar was too high, or maybe I was just too worried about how their numbers would react to a stick-o-sugar? I was sad that instead of running downstairs to tear into their gifts, I had them both sitting on the floor poking their tiny little fingers so I could get their blood sugar readings...only to find out that they were too low and we needed to eat breakfast first. We measured out food, let them eat, calculated carbs, gave each of them a shot and then, only then could we sit down and rip open presents.

My two precious babies, living everyday with this disease that disrupted everything. My pain was deep and dark, the sadness had consumed me and because of that sadness I missed so much. I sat there with my family, a smile plastered on my face, doing my best to "pretend" I was all there...but I wasn't. My mind would constantly drift back to that time when diabetes was a word we never used. Insulin was a mystery and carbs...who cared about carbs?!

I wish I could remember the presents, the laughter, the joy...thankfully I have the home movies to remind me that these moments did actually happen! I can look back on those videos and say "Oh yeah! I do remember that, I was sitting on the couch that day and maybe, just maybe, I did enjoy some of it...I am smiling in that picture after all."

I wasn't into the decorating, the music, buying presents or mailing out cards...I was in too much pain.

but...

Something has changed in me this year, I can feel a shift in my heart, my soul and my mind. The fog of despair is lifting and my joy has returned. This Christmas was the first Christmas since diabetes entered our lives that I have been able to feel like I can actually celebrate and enjoy the holidays again.

This year I wanted to C-E-L-E-B-R-A-T-E!!! I wanted to listen to Christmas music every single day, I wanted to light up our house with so many lights you could see the glow a mile away! I wanted to color pictures of trees, Santa and Frosty with my girls all day long...make snow angels, stand in line for Santa and relish in every memory that was created with my family this year...and for the first time since D came crashing into our life, I did relish every moment.

This year was magical, as corny as that may sound, I was HAPPY, diabetes is still here, but, this year diabetes didn't ruin the party...or at least I should say, I didn't let diabetes ruin the party. It took me some time and a lot of soul searching, but it was worth the wait.

Diabetes still brings me to my knees from time to time, I've spent many nights crying myself to sleep, the grief doesn't ever fully go away but with time the intensity of that pain begins to fade a little...finally allowing some room for the joy to find it's way back into our hearts.

and...

The girls had their candy cane this year :)

Breakfast, with a side of HOPE

This year we had the amazing opportunity to serve as the Ambassador Family for the 2010 Walk to Cure Diabetes. What does an Ambassador Family do??? Well, for our chapter, this means you speak at different events to tell your story and hopefully inspire the community and fellow d-families to join us in our efforts to raise money for the research needed to fund a cure for type 1 diabetes.


We spoke at four different events this year...to say that we were nervous at first would be an understatement if ever there was! The first time we stood in front of a group of strangers and spoke about our journey with type 1 diabetes and the impact it had on our family was incredibly difficult. I'm not gonna lie...I was a blubbering mess, you couldn't stop the tears from flowing if you paid me! Although the tears were flowing freely...I was able to speak with as much passion as there was pain.


It was a hugely successful moment for us and I have a post planned to tell you much more about that eventful day and the passion and drive that it later fueled in me.


We later had an opportunity to speak at a breakfast that was geared just towards our local business community and corporate sponsors. This was hands down one of the most rewarding experiences ever! I cannot fully express to you the emotions of that day, I can say that it felt like I had angels lifting me up and giving me the strength to deliver our story with as much heart, passion and courage as I have ever had.


It was bizarre, when my family took to the podium at this corporate breakfast I had NO FEAR...not an ounce of nervousness or hesitation. It felt as if a warm blanket of strength and courage had been wrapped around my shoulders as I walked towards the microphone. There we stood in front of 100 plus members of our local business community and we were able to tell them our story, yes...I cried at this event too. What can I say, I get all emotional when I revisit the days that my precious daughters were diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and the many days since that have been filled with needles, finger pokes, 3 am blood sugar checks, low blood sugars and high blood sugars. Despite my tears, I was able to tell them what life with d is truly like. The good, the bad and the downright scary.


The most rewarding part of that day was after the event was over, suddenly we were surrounded by strangers who wanted to hug us, thank us and tell us how moved they were by our story. We met one woman who has had type 1 diabetes for decades now, she came up to me, wrapped her arms around me and gave me the best gift ever. She wanted to thank us for sharing our journey with them, she knew that our story would inspire some of these businesses to join JDRF and us in our efforts to find a cure, and as someone who has lived with the disease for so long she said she just felt such gratitude towards us for being able to share something that is so painful. Her tears and emotions were so real and so raw, it was an indescribable moment.


We met a few other adults who had t1, they all thanked us and truly gave us a gift...it was a gift of gratitude. It warmed this d-mama's heart to know that our story may somehow inspire others to give to and support such a worthy and important cause. Any fear, any hesitation, any doubt I had about telling our families story to 100's of strangers evaporated that day. I knew that morning, we had done something and been a part of something that was so much bigger then us...when we got into our car together after the event was over my husband and I looked at each other and just smiled.


I'm not sharing this story with you to toot my own horn :) I guess my biggest reason for sharing this is that I believe that we all have a story, it's one that can inspire hope, change and progress. I may not get that cure that I dream of as soon as I would like, but I do know that amazing things are happening in the field of diabetes research and technology and if our story (or yours) can help by inspiring others to work with us towards a cure and help speed things up...hey, I'm all for it! Sometimes it's scary to open up and share like that, but sometimes...it can be life changing and the rewards that your heart receive are incredible.

Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas!!!

May your day be blessed and filled with...

HOPE

JOY

&

LOVE

Here's to you, my dear friends...

Many HUGS and holiday cheer to you all!!!